Friday, October 05, 2007

the Boy's Song

You fill up my senses like a night in the forest,

fumbling around in the dark, i'm supposed to know what I'm doing, but I don't. i can hear you breathing, i can smell your baby fresh head, i can feel your hot silky smooth skin, but i can't see the path. can't find the way to go, so i'm walking on instict. my instinct has always been good but i don't trust it now. it's too new, you're too new, this whole new world is too new.

like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain,

get your feet wet, jump in. it's so fresh and cool here when you take the plunge. after months i can finally breath. the air is so cool and i can finally breeeathe. breathe deeply. i didn't think i'd ever get my breath back. it's okay, it really is. but don't get the baby wet. keep him safe, make him feel safe. make sure he understands that i will never let anything hurt him.

like a storm in the desert,

tears again. running down fat cheeks. spotting his shirt. here. and there. clinging and groping. nothing I do is enough, nothing soothes. so I walk and walk and walk and walk and walk around the dining room table because there is nowhere else to go. go. i should go. i should go outside. i push the stroller a little too fast, a little too hard. i'm sorry baby. my patience is wearing thin and i'm sorry. i should be stronger. i should be calmer. i should be better. i should.

like a sleepy blue ocean.

asleep at last. how the world can change with just a little bit of sleep. a little bit of rest. how lovely you are baby. how innocent. how wonderful. sleep now baby, sleep for me. sleep instead of me, because i can't sleep when you do. the toothpicks will stay in my eyelids no matter how much i wish they would pop out. and let me sleep. no, sleep is for the weak. sleep means i won't be in control. can't lose control. must stay awake, but not wake the baby. the baby needs to sleep. so do i.

You fill up my senses, come fill me again.

you are your own person, and yet so much a part of me. i can see it in your eyes. your eyes are my eyes. when i look at you, i am looking at myself. i could drown in the brown. i think i am drowning, and it's a good thing. such a wonderful thing. but scary too. was that a smile? heart stops, stomach lurches. i think it was. drink it in. this is what i was made for. this is what life is about. it makes sense now, it does.

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you,

they tell you about diapers and wipes and cradle cap and thrush and colic and meconium and colostrum and sleep patterns and breastfeeding and formula and jaundice. words, words, words. they don't tell you about love. about how love changes. expands. how your heart gets bigger and stronger, but infinitely more vulnerable. they don't tell you because you wouldn't understand. it can't be explained. it can only be felt. the lucky ones get to feel.

let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you. Come let me love you.

always. never doubt but that I love. don't feel supplanted, replaced. that will never happen. could never happen. there is room in my heart still. i won't let go. i won't go away. you will always have a place. it will just be a little more cozy. you, your daddy, and this little person we have yet to meet. but you won't get lost in the crowd. i promise.


Christine said...

that was beautiful and perfect and wonderful

ewe are here said...

Wonderful.... and that picture just makes me melt. So sweet.

kittenpie said...

Oh, how beautiful. I know exactly what you mean in so many places, but especially about looking at your child and seeing yourself.

Anonymous said...

That was so beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes as I thought about my five-month-old grandson. I love the hat

Alpha DogMa said...

That was beautiful. And you've redeemed Annie's Song for me - which was ruined after a recent viewing of Take Me Home: The John Denver Story starring Chad Lowe. It was bad. Even worse than Shania: A Life in Eight Albums. I've just got to stop watching CMT's movie of the week.

bubandpie said...

Oh! my heart.

painted maypole said...

oh, I love this post! and that song. must go dig out my john denver album now...

crazymumma said...

uh huh.

ya. oh ya.

that was really nice.

Ours is

Why do birds suddenly appear
everytime you are near
just like me
they long to be
close to youououou.

Kathryn said...

Precious. Just precious.

Susanne said...

Thank you for that marvelous post.

Kyla said...

That's just how it is.

And the photo? *melt* He is adorable.

Bon said...

oh wow. i swallowed hard, reading this, and the tears came to my eyes, with recognition...of the hard nights, and the confusion, and the love.

and that photo...your beautiful boy.

Mad Hatter said...

Oh how wondrous that photo is.

BTW, John Denver is just another country road to my heart.

Mary G said...

Lucky little boy to have a mother like you! Love the post, and that is one of my most fav JD songs.
Does he by any chance have red hair? The colouring under the hat looks sooo much like my red headed daughter's was.
Oh, man, can you write!

Nora Bee said...

Hello! I know what you mean, yes yes, you got it. Good work.

Lisa b said...

you are right it cannot be understood until you experience it.
adorable photo

Be Inspired Always said...

That picture melts my heart. How beautiful. I'm new to your blog, if you keep posting pictures like this I will never leave.


MaryP said...

Oh. So beautiful. You brought back so many memories. Thank you.

kgirl said...

That song makes me cry at the best of times. This was even better.

bren j. said...

SO cute!

Mimi said...

What a beautiful, beautiful post, Nomo. What a lovely tribute to The Boy, and boy oh boy, your words brought me right back there, right back to that time. Vividly.

b*babbler said...

I'm so very glad I've been able to catch up on my reading that I missed while sick. This is so beautiful and gorgeous and real and true.

It was an honour to read it.