Friday, March 02, 2007

Mom Olympics: Winter '07

Competitor: Nomotherearth
Category: Working Mom, Daycare Division

1st Event: HOUSE PENTATHLON

Description: The goal of this event is to get out of the house on time. During snowstorms, competitors are required to leave the house earlier than usual. Components include Tantrum Throw, Cereal Wrestling, Home-length Running, Snowsuit Jump and Compulsory Singing. Extra points awarded for components that are avoided entirely.

Commentator: "Teams really show their mettle in this one - if one half of the team is not pulling their weight, you're sunk. Nomo's made a poor show at practice lately, but we're hoping she's going to pull through today. Competitors are allowed to wake up as early as they need to based on the weather conditions. Admirably, Nomo managed to get up at 6am, despite a last-minute consultation with Boy at 4:30am. It seems that the Boy was having second thoughts about competing today, but Nomo managed to convince him of the importance of the Olympics and he decided to go back to sleep until the event began. The Tantrum Throw portion was dicey for Nomo - the clothes the Boy wanted to wear were in the wash. It seemed like the tantrum was going to be averted when Nomo managed to find a pair of jeans in a pile of clothes that don't fit properly. However, the Boy's mercurial personality showed through when there was no Elmo diaper available. Still, Nomo managed to make up time in the Cereal Wrestling - at the two-minute warning mark, she got the cereal bowl out of the Boy's hands. He made one last grasp for a handful of cereal which he stuffed into his mouth in a desperate hurry. Next came the Home-length Running. The Boy got off to a good start. He made it from the kitchen to the front of the house in under 2.6 seconds and almost made it out the front door, but was headed off by Nomo who wanted to move on to the Snowsuit Jump. In a stroke of brilliance, she combined the Compulsory Singing and the Snowsuit Jump into one impressive maneuver. The judges seemed to love her rendition of "Here Comes Peter Cottontail", and so did the Boy. It distracted him from his dislike of mittens, and they managed to get out the door a full 10 minutes earlier than usual. Well done!"

Scores
Technical: 8.0
Artistic: 6.2
Overall: 7.2


2nd Event: CROSS COUNTRY STROLLER

Description: Competitors must make it to daycare with only a stroller for transportation. Time is the key factor, as competitors cannot be late for work, doctor's appointments or snack time. During the event, competitors must exhibit a minimum of 2, maximum 5, special skills. Acceptable skills vary depending on the weather and evaluation of said skills are subject to the discretion of the judges.

Commentator: "Here's where we see Nomo in her element. She cut her teeth on Hamilton snowfalls, and is by no means a babe in the woods when it comes to winter survival. She's the clear favourite here. She left the house in fine form, and nimbly displayed her ability to adapt to weather conditions by crossing the street where there was no crosswalk in order to avoid SnowHill Lifting. It seemed to be smooth sailing until all of a sudden the judges threw in a Freestyle Fallen Tree. WOW! We haven't seen that since Winter '05!! We thought that this would stop her in her tracks, but after a moment's hesitation, she went straight into Puddle Jumping. Puddle jumping is a risky undertaking in cross country stroller, mainly because it requires the co-operation of random strangers. Luckily for Nomo, there was a good samaritan at hand. It was a case of Team Lifting, Classical Style. The Puddle Jump left Nomo on the road with no return access to the sidewalk. In a stroke of genius - and, dare we say it, recklessness - she pulled a Downroad Sprint to the nearest puddle and jumped again. What a move! Nomo is really out to win this one. Having demonstrated 4 special skills in one event, we think that she just may do that yet."

Scores
Technical: 9.4
Artistic: 6.0
Overall: 7.7

JUDGES FINAL EVALUATION: 7.5

While Nomo shows great promise, we feel that she has yet to come into her own. Technically, the components are all there and she shows some real grit. Artistically, however, we need to see more. She shows more impatience with the Boy than we feel is acceptable. Yelling at houses who's residents had failed to shovel their walkways is in outright violation of our rules. Also, though she made it to her doctor's appointment on time, the doctor was running extremely late due to weather and she had to re-schedule the appointment and hustle to the subway. Which made her late for work.

14 comments:

NotSoSage said...

Awesome. Just awesome. Were you following me around this morning?

There was, like, half a tree in the road on the way to Mme L's daycare but I have to say that folks on our route had been out bright and early to shovel.

metro mama said...

I am going to start carrying pen and paper to leave nasty notes for those f*ckers who cannot be bothered to shovel.

Mayberry said...

Nice work. Those daily workouts are obviously paying off.

Kyla said...

This was hilarious! Good work!

Mad Hatter said...

A perfect 10 from the Russian judge (and the maritime one as well). This was fantastic. I especially liked the compulsory singing.

erin k said...

You should probably petition the IOC to have these events officially included in the Winter Olympics (they can premier in Vancouver 2010...)

Beck said...

This was brilliant. Also, I am so sick of winter.
I HATE pushing my stroller around. Local sidewalks are always several centimeters deep in snow and it's just brutal to get my rickety stroller around. Bleh.

Her Bad Mother said...

Cross-country stroller indeed. Even the biggest, baddest, SUV stroller (like ours, made for High Park off-roading) cannot make over MOUNTAINS of ice and slush. It's not so much Olympics as Extreme Challenge.

kittenpie said...

Oh god, I was dreaming up ways to attach pontoons to the stroller the other day. It's been brutal this past week!

jen said...

hilarious. but i disagree with the judges. yelling is part of the game, man.

Mimi said...

FANTASTIC! Wish I'd read this before I finished my post on snow today. Laugh out loud funny! Thanks.

kgirl said...

you deserve a gold medal. two.

stupid non-shovelling people.

ewe are here said...

This is hysterical!

And of course you have to yell at those non-shoveling twits - how do they expect those olympic strollers to get through?!

cinnamon gurl said...

This is hilarious! I just stopped going out with the stroller this week. I'm so sick of the shitty sidewalks a full week after the last storm, they still suck.