Saturday, May 10, 2008

The Hardest Post I've Ever Had to Write...

Ohhh, I watch WAY too much of The Bachelor. I feel like I'm doing a rose ceremony: "The is the hardest decision I've ever made..."

I've been tagged with a meme. Normally, I love getting tagged for memes (I do! It makes me feel popular! Love me!! Please?). HOWEVER. This meme is different. It seems that the lovely Mothergoosemouse was included on a List. A list of the Top 5 Most Bangable Blog Babes for the month of May. I am simultaneously relieved and offended that I am not on any of his monthly lists. (Not one month. I looked through them all...I kid. Sort of.) She decided to create a meme about it, and challenged the rockin' hawt Motherbumper to share with us the time whe she felt she was at her most bangable. Bonus points for photos. And then she tagged me.

Here's the problem: I don't think you could choose an adjective which describes me less than "bangable". Okay? Most definitely. Pretty? Sometimes. Beautiful? Once in a blue moon, maybe, if the stars align just so, and I have a team of stylists at the ready. A more accurate description of me would be "Two-Face". Do you remember that Seinfeld episode where everyone thought that he was dating two different girls because sometimes she looked really nice and sometimes she looked frightening? Two-face. That's me. It's also why I almost never allow myself to be photographed because just when I think I'm having a good-looking day, someone snaps a photo and BAM! I'm Spike Lee's cousin (Ug Lee). I prefer to think of myself as one of those elusive beauties. You might think I'm quite pretty if you look at me out of the corner of your eye. Just don't look at me too closely or you shall be turned to stone. Sort of like this:

I worked hard to perfect this look. I call it Medusa Chic.

It's been a bit tough in the acting department. When you're young, everyone expects you to be the pretty little ingenue. I'm not hideous, but there's always someone prettier. I'm Skipper in a world full of Barbies. It used to bother me, but not so much anymore. Being the empty-headed love interest was never my thang anyways. I much prefer the character roles. And I think - hope! - that now that I'm maturing (ahem), I'm going to come into my own soon. Take that Barbies!

So anyways, this is a roundabout way to say that I had to consult the experts (i.e. Mr Earth) as to when I was at my most "bangable". He readily answered that it was around the time that we got married. I don't know if I should be offended that he doesn't think I'm bangable now. (What you don't like a haggard mom with bags under her eyes, smells of milk puke, wears elastic-waisted pants, and who regularly forgets to brush her teeth until about 3pm when she suddenly says "oh crap, why is my mouth so fuzzy??" What's with that Mr Earth??). But he's probably right.

May 2002. I was fit, pretty much at my ideal weight. I regularly got a good night's sleep. I had money to burn, and usually spent it buying clothes that the affianced would find sexy. I used to buy negligées even! I was running and doing shows, and with the soon-to-be Mr Earth by my side I knew that I had won the Life Lottery. He's a good guy. The best. If you're going to pick a time when I was at my most attractive so far, that's probably it:

Photo credit to Laura Bombier.

If it was up to me, I probably would have picked last March, when I got my new headshots done. I had lost almost all of the baby-weight from the Boy, and was feeling pretty good about that. I felt I had gone through all the rigours of the first-time mom thing, and instead of killing me, it made me stronger. I was really worried that the photos would turn out horribly, because I'm just not all that photogenic, but I had some really nice ones to choose from. Unbeknownst to me, I was also 3 days pregnant with the Little Guy, which makes this photo all the more special to me. It's also the ONLY preggo photo of me that I actually like to look at:

Photo credit to David Leyes.

Please note that neither of these photographs are what I actually look like in REAL LIFE. These photos represent what my idyllic life would be like IF I had a retenue of professionals including a hairdresser, a make-up artist and a photographer. If you want to see what I look like in REAL LIFE, please see the Medusa photo above. I reiterate, I rarely let someone take my picture. It's unfortunate that my kids will think that I abandoned them in their youth, but oh well. They can hug my headshot!

But who shall I tag with this meme???? Hmmmm. How's about the smokin' Kgirl and the divine Blithe Babbler? Are you chickies up for the challenge, or are you going to chicken out like I did???


mothergoosemouse said...

Shut UP! You are freaking gorgeous. And even if in real life you don't look *exactly* like those photos you posted, you simply can't be that far off. Therefore, you are beautiful.

motherbumper said...

Good Gawd Woman - I just saw you a few hours ago and I'm going to tell anyone reading these comments - she looks exactly like that head shot (and omg, how to make me laugh - I want to frame "I'm Skipper in a world full of Barbies"). XO

Anne Bradshaw said...

Okay, so I'm saying hello :-) Well, you did ask, right?

And, by the way, if that's ugly, then there's no hope for the rest of us.

Mac and Cheese said...

Methinks you are a wee bit hard on yourself. Embrace your bangability!

Mr. Earth needs my husband's rule book on how to answer loaded questions. When I inquired as to when I was most bangable, he replied, without looking away from the TV, "this morning". Never a straight answer, but he does cover his ass quite well.

Mad said...

Ya, I saw her a week ago and she was even more stunning than she is in these pics. So, uh, don't believe her.


Anonymous said...

'Cause she looks like a flower
but she stings, like a bee.
Like every girl in history,
She bangs. She bangs.

Whaaaaaaaaat? Surely if there is one time that I can quote Ricky Martin lyrics it is now. Please? Just this once.

Lovely photos, sweetie. You are totally va-va-voomable.

Holly said...

pretty much been said by them all! lookin' pretty good to me!

kgirl said...

first of all, you are GORGEOUS - in those pics and in real life, because even if you don't feel it, you still are. And I think there is nothing more gorgeous than a capable, funny, on-it mama. And that's you.

Second of all - I'll do the meme. I used to consider myself kind of bangable. No laughing.

Bon said...

erm, i'd bang ya?

(and i mean that in the most complimentary and least objectified way possible. ahem.) :)

womaninawindow said...

Ah ya, I was with you when you were all like, "oh, I'm so hideous, et all blah blah blah" and now I'm afeard I might hate you. You are TOTALLY bangable! Man, this is so depressing...

painted maypole said...

you are lovely in both of those photos.

i would find that a hard meme, too

Ali said...

you are entirely bangable, woman! :)

Beck said...

Those pictures are GORGEOUS, woman.

Kyla said...

Stop being so gorgeous, you.

And also? Skipper was always my favorite. Barbie? MEH.

bren j. said...

Well goodness! Who knew! You look like some actress or something! :)
BOTH of those are very beautiful pictures...although you look a little more mischievous in the head shot.
(Love you red hair, btw.)