Monday, July 28, 2008

We're Through

Dear Snotty Moms from my Moms Group:

It is with great regret that I must inform you that I am no longer in need of your services. The past few years have been a most interesting experience - one that I will not likely be capable of duplicating.

I came to you, alone and bewildered, seeking companionship and advice. Although it must have been difficult for you to accept an outsider into your ranks, you made certain to advise me on the correct way to do just about everything child-related. When I went astray, you issued almost subtle reminders to stay the true path. When I tried to make connections beyond our weekly appointments, you urged me to stay strong and self-reliant in my independence. At times, I thought I was being rebuffed, but now I know that I was simply being over-sensitive. You surely had my best interests at heart.

I feel just terrible that I didn't get to speak much with any of you at the "1-year-old Party". I was too concerned that my newly walking child would topple and hurt himself. At the "2-year-old Party", finding myself with no one to talk to, I simply played fun games with your children while you chatted amongst yourselves. I hope you didn't find it rude that I'd rather hang out with your kids than you. It didn't come as much of a surprise to me that I ending up only hanging out with my boys at the "3-year-old Party". The baby was young and needed tending. And no doubt you felt a disconnect, as we hadn't had a decent conversation for several years.

I'm not sure why I chose to go to Niagara with a bunch of you awhile back. It sounded like fun, and a chance to get away for the weekend. I didn't miss having a roomate at all, actually. I really don't like to share a bathroom unless absolutely necessary. And, I got a good night's sleep. That alone was worth the trip.

It really was my fault about joining the Book Club. I knew full well that I don't like being told what to read, and how fast. I chafe at the bit. In this, if nothing else, I am a free spirit. I was a little ticked off when - for months - not one of my book suggestions was even considered. When the group finally came round and agreed to read my proposed novel, it was certainly a coincidence that the group simply didn't meet that month. And never spoke of the book again.

Please understand that it is, to be utterly cliché, not you - it's me. I wanted connect with friendly women. When you couldn't be those women, I should have left. I persisted. I wanted playmates for my son. I wanted him to get to know some of the kids he would eventually go to school with. Knowing that some of you are destined for the PTA, I didn't want any bias against me to affect him. I tried and I tried. And then I tried again.

I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being snubbed in the street, the coffee shop, and the park. I'm tired of being ignored. I'm tired of caring about being ignored. I'm just really tired. So, when you see me in one of those places and I don't say hello, please don't be offended. I didn't say hello because I simply didn't see you. If I had seen you, I would have come over, made pleasantries, and then made my excuses to leave. I was, after all, raised to be polite. Bitter, but polite.

Yours truly,
Nomo

21 comments:

Kyla said...

Oh Nomo! That's just terrible. I can't believe you lasted so long. It sucks to be the outsider. But, really? Their loss.

painted maypole said...

i'm sorry your moms group sucked so badly. I've had varied experiences, but none truly terrible. although i have been in those places where I play with all the kids while the parents seem to be completely oblivious. crazy.

too bad we're too far apart to hangout!

Mamalooper said...

I could have written this post - same group of moms? [or I could have written this post had I been able to write this well...heh....]

The passive snubbing, oh the passive snubbing...I have stuck it out with my mom's group for the same reasons - playmates for the girl. One especially - she is as much a best friend as you could have at 2 1/2.

SciFi Dad said...

Ironically, my wife just got a call from one of the women who was in her playgroup back in my daughter's first year (they disbanded when 2/4 went back to work). She had similar feelings to you about the whole experience (although these weren't alpha moms, just vapid brand-name dropping teenage girl gossiping moms).

Good for you for leaving on your own terms.

womaninawindow said...

OH, you and I would have hung out on the peripheral of those days and eventually...it might have even taken the three years, (it takes me a while to get to mom-to-mom first base) but eventually, we'd have been friends.

This totally reminds me of when I brought my kids to library group a few years back in a snobby town. I had on black kungfu pants and who knows what else. I got a slow nod from a few of the moms and then a startling question, "Whose children are you caring for?" They thought I was a babysitter, you see, as my kids were dressed like normal OshBigosh kids. "My own." That's all we ever shared.

metro mama said...

Who needs those bitches when you have us!

kittenpie said...

I didn't stick it out at all - you have far more persistence than me! I just hung out with my girl all year, instead, but would have liked to have met some friendly women, too. I'm so glad that you and I and the others have us bloggers now! It's only too bad that a) both our children are a year apart from each other, so no mat leave overlap and b) we aren't in the same 'hood. sigh.

(And, I must admit, I am terrible for giving assvice, but only when asked, and always with "what works for me," because I don't think there is, as you say, one true path. Still, I hope I'm not obnoxious!)

Russ said...

I wish I had a pity comment, but as a SAHD, I don't even get to join the Women only cliques. My blog partner, Jasper, just experienced something similar. A woman from his daughter's swim class walked up to him and invited his wife (who was not there). Needless to say, he was confused and slightly hurt. I hope he blogs about it.

ourlittlefunnybunny said...

I had the same experience, i only lasted a week though.

I wish you lived near me. Things would've been so much better in those early dark days.

Mandy said...

Um, where do you live and remind me never to move there.

What an awful group of people.

I am pretty shy, so I only have a couple close friends that I do playdates with. And frankly, that's fine with me. I'd much rather have a couple genuine friends, than a group of women jostling for top witch position.

daysgoby said...

I used to sniffle on the way home from the Mom's Group here - where were the moms that wanted friends? That WANTED to meet new people?

That weren't busy judging my child by what I looked like?

No wonder I turned to the internet. It gave me a lot more self-confidence, at least!

jen said...

oh good lord. nicely done, there. (washes hands of whole business)

kgirl said...

Yikes. See ya.
You've met someone from my group already, and she is totally typical of the awesome moms I lucked into. You come hang with us.

Mimi said...

Oh wow. Hang out with me and Munchkin. Srsly. Your group was LAAAAAAAME.

L. said...

Oh, this sounds so familiar. So familiar and so frustrating, and I never know what to do about it. Well, I guess I could stop talking about sex so damned much. And try gasping instead of laughing when the kids fall over. And try harder to look worried that little Simon is not hitting his peer group interaction milestones at just exactly the precisely "right" moment...

Oh, and remember very hard not to yawn. Ever. Particularly when another mommy is angst-ing about her baby's milestones.

Okay. I do know what I could do about it. I just don't care enough.

My bad. :-)

Laura

b*babbler said...

Oh NoMo, that sucks. Silly b*tches, they don't know what they're missing...

This is why I have such a hard time with these types of groups. Kindermusik was HELL.

I'll come hang out with you anytime... what are you up to next week? Peanut hasn't been to the big park in AGES! We can even talk books!

Mac and Cheese said...

Yup, I know THOSE moms. Just recently I have been thinking about how I should have played the game better such that my daughter would have more children to play with, but your post confirms that it wouldn't have been worth the anxiety.

Candy said...

You weren't by any chance a member of the Junior Women's Club of Ringwood, were you? Because I had precisely the exact experience with them, some 15 years ago. I got wise a little faster and got my ass outta there, but was rebuffed more than once. I still see those women in town, all these years later, and they act like they don't know me. Biatches.

Natalie said...

I came over via someone's shared items, but man, you just demonstrated the prime reason why I just don't do playgroups, mommygroups, whatever. I had a rather unpleasant experience with one that made me swear off of them for good.

Lisa b said...

Where did you all find these mommy groups?
I went to the early years centre and one picked me as a friend bc i had the bugaboo and then, or course, no one else wanted to be my friend. It was awesome.

Music class was similar except for after the first year all the moms were at work and it was the nanny's snubbing me.

I find it much easier with the second, or maybe because I am such a spacecadet dying with my sleep deprivation I have never felt snubbed, just tired. always tired.

bren j. said...

I'm impressed that you stuck it out for so long! Here's hoping you'll find a much better group somewhere along the way.
Good riddance!