No good can be found under a bush that hasn't been trimmed for seven years.
Heh, heh. Who knew gardening could be so dirty..?
I don't understand gardeners. On your knees, in the dirt, slaving under a hot sun. Digging and pruning and weeding. At the end, the reward is a nice-looking garden that eventually dies. (Well, at least it does at my house. Just call me The Black Thumb). This does not sound like fun to me. Know what it does sound like? Work. Hard work. No fun work. There's supposedly some sort of zen euphoria that comes from working in the garden. I could think think of many things that would create such a euphoria, and most of them don't even involve illegal substances.
Here's how I garden: someone comes over to my house unexpectedly and I see the backyard through their eyes. Flower beds that haven't been weeded since, oh, last year sometime. Bushes taking over the garden. Sticks all over the lawn. God knows where they come from. I am embarrassed beyond belief thinking that said person has gone home wondering "How can they live like that? How can they just not care??" And I become obsessed with fixing the problems.
So basically, I garden only when I think I am being judged. Or will be judged
By the way, if you come over to my house and I have gardened before your arrival, please don't be offended. I don't think that you, specifically, are a person who will judge me. It probably has nothing to do with you at all. More about my need for perfectionism, and my desire to have people think that I care about the upkeep of my house. I don't. Well, maybe I do, but not enough to actually do something about it.
I realized this as I was doing some work in the garden the other day. (Which, by the way, I decided to do because I had a dinner party on Saturday and was horrified by the encroaching weeds). And, by "work", I mean the bare minimum I need to do to get by.
Here are the rules every Accidental Gardener must follow:
- If it looks like a weed, rip it out.
- If it looks like a plant, but you didn't plant it, it's probably a weed. If you don't like it, rip it out.
- If it looks attractive, let it stay. Even if it's actually a weed.
- If it looks attractive, but threatens to take over lawn, rip it out. No mercy.
- If you get bored of weeding, use the rake. Pretend it's fancy mulch.
- If a bush is getting too big for it's britches, cut it back. No mercy. Even if your husband has a sentimental attachment to bush. (Did she just say that? Whut!?)
- Only buy plants that can't be killed.
- If you must buy plants that look fragile, ask them if they have a death wish.
- Once planted, everyone is on their own. Don't expect succor from Black Thumb.
- Whatever you do, don't water. That takes time and effort.
- Gloves are for sissies.
- If the weeds are bigger than you, run.