I'd be rich.

OK, it is waay too hot for me, so maybe I'm just cranky. (Well, cranky-ER. ahem.) I'm pregnant! By the way, YES, that is my excuse for everything these days. I'm going to milk it a s long as I can.

But I swear that if I had a dollar for everytime:

1. Someone said "You can't dye your hair, can you?"

Yes, as a matter of fact, I can. And I plan to dye it as soon as I can scrape together enough pennies to pay the exhorbitant salon fees. I look like crap, and I hate the fact that the roots and ends of my hair are two completely different colours. It is safe to dye your hair when pregnant. It is NOT, however, safe to ingest any of the hair dye. As long as I don't drink the dye, I think I'll be ok.

2. Someone said "You're still running? Doesn't your belly bounce up and down? Is that good for the baby"

Yes, I am still running. It is not only safe, but recommended, to get daily exercise during pregnancy. My belly doesn't "bounce up and down". Well, ok, it actually does, but that's the fat bouncing, not the baby. The baby is in my uterus, not my belly. Any jiggling you see is entirely due the fact that I eat far too much candy.

3. Someone offered me a glass of wine.

Yes, you read that correctly. I would have thought the opposite to be true, but apparently my family are a bunch of winos. It's undoubtedly safe to have a glass of wine now and then. I am sure that in the past, French and Italian women didn't give up wine entirely while pregnant, and yet those countries didn't die out. HOWEVER... I have a strong love of good red wine, and absolutely NO SELF CONTROL. It's bad enough smelling it and not being able to drink it. Think of me as a zoo animal with a sign on my cage and "Please don't offer a drink to the pregnant lady."

4. Someone didn't offer me a seat on the subway.

Yes, you. I see you sitting there, pretending to be asleep or thoroughly engrossed in your blackberry. I know you see me, and I know I look pregnant now, so there is no excuse. Standing for 30 minutes on a subway after a 20 minute walk to daycare in this stifling heat is NO FUN. I feel sick by the time I get to work. And every time I have been offered a seat, it's been a woman. I love men, but sometimes they really suck. Chivalry is dead. I hope some miracle of science happens, and men can get pregnant one day, so they will know how it feels. And I'm not going to offer them my seat. No way. (Crap.. I probably would, because pregnant people shouldn't have to stand. But I wouldn't like it.)

5. My thighs get bigger at the same time my stomach does.

Mr Earth keeps saying that it's ok, that I'm pregnant. I am pregnant, but it's not ok. The baby is not growing in my thighs. If they get any bigger, I am going to be taking up two seats on the subway, instead of one. (Oh yeah, I forgot, I don't get a seat on the subway. No problem then! Let's just hope I don't need to go anywhere by plane, though.)

6. The lady at Mmmmuffins gives me the small Rice Krispie square, instead of the big one.

Now this is just being mean. Why does she go out of her way to give me the smallest one? I'm pregnant, and I'm hungry! Who are you saving the big Rice Krispie square for anyways? (Hm. This attitude would perhaps explain the growth of my thighs.)

7. Someone asks "How are you feeling?"

OK, now I know that people are just trying to be nice, so I try not to get annoyed by this. But if you hear this question often enough, you start feeling like an invalid, or someone who is dying from some rare disease but doesn't know it yet. It's a little creepy. And I really wish people would come up with something different. I'll start you off: "Would you like a massage?"..."Has anyone told you how beautiful you are?"..."Can I buy you some presents?" Any of these would be perfectly acceptable and immeasurably better than "How are you feeling?"


Like I said, if I had a dollar for each and every time one of these things happened, I'd be rich. Then I could hire me a fan-bearer, and maybe I wouldn't be so stinkin' hot.