Friday, August 03, 2007

I'd be rich.

OK, it is waay too hot for me, so maybe I'm just cranky. (Well, cranky-ER. ahem.) I'm pregnant! By the way, YES, that is my excuse for everything these days. I'm going to milk it a s long as I can.

But I swear that if I had a dollar for everytime:

1. Someone said "You can't dye your hair, can you?"

Yes, as a matter of fact, I can. And I plan to dye it as soon as I can scrape together enough pennies to pay the exhorbitant salon fees. I look like crap, and I hate the fact that the roots and ends of my hair are two completely different colours. It is safe to dye your hair when pregnant. It is NOT, however, safe to ingest any of the hair dye. As long as I don't drink the dye, I think I'll be ok.

2. Someone said "You're still running? Doesn't your belly bounce up and down? Is that good for the baby"

Yes, I am still running. It is not only safe, but recommended, to get daily exercise during pregnancy. My belly doesn't "bounce up and down". Well, ok, it actually does, but that's the fat bouncing, not the baby. The baby is in my uterus, not my belly. Any jiggling you see is entirely due the fact that I eat far too much candy.

3. Someone offered me a glass of wine.

Yes, you read that correctly. I would have thought the opposite to be true, but apparently my family are a bunch of winos. It's undoubtedly safe to have a glass of wine now and then. I am sure that in the past, French and Italian women didn't give up wine entirely while pregnant, and yet those countries didn't die out. HOWEVER... I have a strong love of good red wine, and absolutely NO SELF CONTROL. It's bad enough smelling it and not being able to drink it. Think of me as a zoo animal with a sign on my cage and "Please don't offer a drink to the pregnant lady."

4. Someone didn't offer me a seat on the subway.

Yes, you. I see you sitting there, pretending to be asleep or thoroughly engrossed in your blackberry. I know you see me, and I know I look pregnant now, so there is no excuse. Standing for 30 minutes on a subway after a 20 minute walk to daycare in this stifling heat is NO FUN. I feel sick by the time I get to work. And every time I have been offered a seat, it's been a woman. I love men, but sometimes they really suck. Chivalry is dead. I hope some miracle of science happens, and men can get pregnant one day, so they will know how it feels. And I'm not going to offer them my seat. No way. (Crap.. I probably would, because pregnant people shouldn't have to stand. But I wouldn't like it.)

5. My thighs get bigger at the same time my stomach does.

Mr Earth keeps saying that it's ok, that I'm pregnant. I am pregnant, but it's not ok. The baby is not growing in my thighs. If they get any bigger, I am going to be taking up two seats on the subway, instead of one. (Oh yeah, I forgot, I don't get a seat on the subway. No problem then! Let's just hope I don't need to go anywhere by plane, though.)

6. The lady at Mmmmuffins gives me the small Rice Krispie square, instead of the big one.

Now this is just being mean. Why does she go out of her way to give me the smallest one? I'm pregnant, and I'm hungry! Who are you saving the big Rice Krispie square for anyways? (Hm. This attitude would perhaps explain the growth of my thighs.)

7. Someone asks "How are you feeling?"

OK, now I know that people are just trying to be nice, so I try not to get annoyed by this. But if you hear this question often enough, you start feeling like an invalid, or someone who is dying from some rare disease but doesn't know it yet. It's a little creepy. And I really wish people would come up with something different. I'll start you off: "Would you like a massage?"..."Has anyone told you how beautiful you are?"..."Can I buy you some presents?" Any of these would be perfectly acceptable and immeasurably better than "How are you feeling?"

Like I said, if I had a dollar for each and every time one of these things happened, I'd be rich. Then I could hire me a fan-bearer, and maybe I wouldn't be so stinkin' hot.


kgirl said...

Ha ha, I could have written this - except for the running part, so maybe not the thigh part either because I know exactly why they're getting um, rounder.

And you are sooooo right - it is ALWAYS the women that offer the seat!

I am also seriously getting asked by complete strangers, 'do you know what you're having?' and my answer is always the same - yep, a baby.

jen said...

oh amen. i remember so much of these and i was always left with a bucket of mirth and a shot of what the hell.

Beck said...

Really, though - how are you FEEEEELING?
I don't run NOW because my boobs bounce up and down. Thank you, stupid DDs.
Pregnancy - it's kind of awful!

Kyla said...

Joys of pregnancy. You left out people randomly touching your belly...suddenly it becomes public property. Weird.

Simply Hollie said...

this was such a fummy post, found your blog while out exploring today..

Christine said...


This was perfect!

1. yeah not drinking it would probably be wise.
2. go for it!!!
3. i was constantly stealing sips when i was preggo, but the little tastes weren't good enough. i guess i am a whino too.
4. people suck
5. mine did too.
6. bitch
7. but really, are you feeling ok?


Rach the Bach said...

I'm with Kyla on the belly touching. It only happened twice with mine, but what the...? I guess it's just our aura as fertility symbols!

Bon said...

i cracked up at this, NoMo...except the running part, which just left me baffled and agog...i spend much of my pregnancies on bedrest, alas, so even walking during pregnancy sounds kinda like levitating to me.

but the "how are you FEEELing?!?" ha. i eventually just started answering that one honestly. it shut people up good. :)

kittenpie said...

Running? Seriously? I can't even make myself do that and I'm NOT pregnant. Colour me impressed.

(And yeah, I totally got my hair dyed while preggy, having been assured it was safe.)

mamatulip said...

The one I got the most was, "Are ya sure there's only one in there?" followed by gratuitous belly laughter and possibly the slapping of a knee. Because, like, that's hysterical!

Susanne said...

About the seat on the subway, just ask for it. That's what I did. "Can I please have your seat, I'm pregnant." No, really. Also there are men offering seats on subways. They are usually quite dark skins. Mostly they smile because their German is not that good. Those (and women) are the only ones helping with any luggage or strollers when you have to travel with the baby.

Though one time I had two young men wordlessly lifting my stroller (one on each side) and then jog with me down the stairs. I almost couldn't keep up with them, but then I don't run if I can avoid it, I'm more of a walker. Sometimes even with those ridiculous sticks.

Urban Mummy said...

I never minded the "how are you feeling" questions, actually. Sometimes people want to show they care, and don't know how else to show it.

I was pregnant last summer, and it was so hot, i thought I would die. Didn't have to go on the subway though. When I was pregnant with my first, I was in Europe, and people did give up their seat. The one time they didn't, I just asked someone, and they were happy to oblige. Don't know if i could do that here, though!

Like Kgirl, i always answered "a baby" when I was asked what I was having. Got some good smiles at that one!

crazymumma said...

A friend of mine ran the 30K around the Bay in Hamilton when pregnant. She's awesome.

Listen to your heart and I hope your hair makes you happy!

b*babbler said...

I loved these. My personal favorite was "do you think you should be eating/drinking *that*? Perhaps you'd like a glass of milk."

Perhaps the attempt to infantalize and control the behaviour of pregnant women is society's reaction to how lax and uncontrolled we are in pretty much every other way. But I'm sure that there are far better philosopher's who have a much better opinion on this than me.

mcewen said...

Seems like a long time ago, but I still remember it well.
Best wishes

Mimi said...

Teehee. I totally dyed my hair ... it was hard not to drink the dye, though. So tempting, but so dangerous (eye roll).

If you want, I can just drink all the red wine that people are offering you, if it helps. I'm considerate like that :-)

I can't believe people are not giving you their seats. Give them the puffy, sweaty, pregnant and angry glare. Make 'em feel bad at least.

Bon777 said...

This post really cracked me up...why are people always so neurotic and just plain nosy about everyone else’s pregnancies?...I remember when I was 9 months pregnant with my first baby, I was at a baby shower for a friend and someone couldn't remember my name so they asked the person beside get ready for this..."who is the big girl" Like I didn't even look pregnant...stupid people...
Anyway good luck and I hope to see you around...Bon

ewe are here said...

Oh, the travails of pregnancy.

My in-laws kept offering me a glass of wine with dinner, etc, whenever we went round to their house when I was pregnant. They just couldn't get used to the idea that I really wasn't going to drink alcohol while I was pregnant. I have to admit, I found it rather annoying.

And I hate it when people don't give up their seats for pregnant women.