Monday, September 10, 2007

Welcome the Baroness

Ah, pregnancy is so glamourous, isn't it?

Before the Boy - back when we were excitedly running home and hitting the sheets (or carpet, or dining table) - I had this idea of what pregancy was going to be like. I would walk around in these super stylish maternity clothes, and look oh so cute and hip. Everyone would comment about how I was glowing, and how pregnancy really suited me. I would gain exactly the amount of weight necessary to grow a baby, and not an ounce more. And once the baby was out, the pounds would magically disappear because everyone knows that when you breastfeed your baby, you lose all your pregnancy weight.

Ha. Sometimes I think that people take delight in keeping the preggo hopefuls in the dark.

The first time around, I looked okay and didn't gain too much weight. I was NOT super stylish or, in fact, anywhere near hip. I took one look at the price tags in the designer stores and skulked out to buy some cotton muumuus from Thyme Maternity. I did have a glow caused by the extreme oiliness of my skin. That "glow", coupled with acne, made me a beautiful sight to behold. Pregnancy would have "suited me" if I was, oh, say, THIRTEEN AND HORMONAL. (But that would be wrong, of course. I am not endorsing teen pregnancy). I might have lost the pregnancy weight while breastfeeding, if I didn't consume large quantities of chocolate to keep me up in the wee hours of the night without screaming.

This time around, it seems that all the symptoms are still there, they're just worse. I started out about 10 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight, and everything has just snowballed from there. The cheap maternity muumuus that I so lovingly saved from the first time around DON'T FIT. Good times.

I haven't even gotten to the backaches, the constant peeing, the puffy legs, the number of shoes that I have that no longer fit, the crankiness... Oh yes, I am one big ball of glam.

To add insult to injury, this weekend I broke down and had to go out and buy some new panties: Size Large. I haven't bought large panties since I was an unattractively overweight teen. I even managed to squeak by during the last pregnancy by squeezing into my medium Victoria Secrets. Not so, this time. My "little girl" decided she was getting too much of breeze, and my butt-crack was in danger of being rather overexposed, so shopping I went. And wearing large panties I am. I cut the tag out, though. I'm that vain.

Mr Earth, god bless him, comforts me whenever I complain about how much weight I'm gaining. "You're pregnant!" I know! But it's very possible to be pregnant AND fat. I'm fairly certain that all of the weight I've gained is not strictly necessary. Nor was that 3rd cookie. Or the 10th, for that matter. The 1/2 pound of chocolate probably didn't fulfill any dietary needs either. Or the 50th TimBit. Yes, my friends, I am the Baroness von Fat. You're all invited to my tea party! If you're coming, though, please bring me some pants. I bust the thighs out on the old pair. Oh, and bring a doughnut while you're at it, will you? Why quit now?? Things are just getting good.

22 comments:

bubandpie said...

This is exactly what happened with my second pregnancy - I started wearing maternity clothes at ten weeks, and by summer all those cute outfits I'd treasured from my first pregnancy were comically tiny on my ever-expanding belly.

And I have to say, there's no good news afterwards either. I'm STILL in the size-large underpants. (Never say I didn't warn you.)

kittenpie said...

Madame, you are talking to someone with a butt so wide I wore large undies when I was at my skinniest 110 lbs self in high school. However, being preggy TOTALLY earns you the right to whine as much as you like, and as someone who retained water like the Hoover Dam, I recall the feeling of resembling a zeppelin more than myself. It sucks, honey. And the maternity outfits that apparently are for women who don't get THAT pregnant are just damn insulting, if you ask me.

Kyla said...

This post cracked me up. All I can offer is a resounding, "Me, too." When KayTar was born, I wanted to know where the hell the rest of her was...because she was 6 lbs 12 oz and I was much bigger than when I was pregnant with her 8 lb 3 oz brother.

Suz said...

Half-way through my pregnancy, I had to wear support hose because my legs got so puffy. Not only was I wearing the enormous panties and the mummus, but I had your grandma's stockings rolled down right below my knees too.

Mmmmm...so attractive.

painted maypole said...

i'm so glad someone warned me that when I left the hospital I would look like I was still about 6 or 7 months pregnant. Because although I didn't think I'd magically fit into my pre-preggers jeans, I did think that I'd just be a size or 2 up. Where I thought all that extra skin went, well, I'm not sure. Maybe it was that 20 year old at my church who had her baby and showed up the next week in hip hugger jeans and and a short T. Hello Bellybutton. MY bellybutton is now a permanently wrinkled, sad looking hole. alas.

kgirl said...

thank you so much for the laugh.

i can commiserate. not only did i start out this pregnancy 12 lbs heavier than with Bee, but i have absolutely zero budget for new clothes this time around and am pregnant during a completely different season. luckily i have a mil that loves to shop, and has brought me lots of cute, and some really not cute, stuff. one size bigger than last time. and she didn't even bother asking if my size had gone up.

jen said...

ah yes, the joys of larger sizes...even when NOT using the pregnancy card..

b*babbler said...

Ah yes, the destruction of pregnancy. I'm still wearing the larger pregnancy undies, and I'm not 10 months past the baby. Ahem.

kate said...

Having just polished off an entire frozen pizza and can of coke *at ten o'clock in the morning* I can definitely sympathize. At 13 weeks (and still full-on nausea, hence the appalling diet) I am still fitting into my old maternity stuff, but the future looks bleak...

Alley Cat said...

At least you're laughing. Enjoy the cookies and donuts while you can.

KC said...

Dude, I am so with you. I'm almost 24 weeks and wayyyy over the expected (ridiculous) weight gain recommendation for this far along. I've stopped weighing myself because it depresses me so. My nickname for myself last pregnancy was '5 ton Sally' and I think that name's coming back out soon.

Beck said...

Hey, it's too bad you're not closer because I have a FABULOUS wardrobe of maternity clothing. It's SO much better than my not-pregnant clothing that it's sort of sadly funny.
With my third pregnancy, I basically got a positive test back and put on my maternity jeans. I pooched out THAT FAST. Awful!
Granny panties are comfy.

cinnamon gurl said...

I already wear large undies... I bought little maternity bikini panties when I was pregnant... what makes me sad is that they've stopped fitting a year and half AFTER the pregnancy ended. I will most certainly join you for some cookies and timbits.

Lisa b said...

I SWEAR on my life I was reading this thinking I am going to tell her to email me if she is 5'3" or less bc I have some Juicy and Seven fat, I mean maternity, pants that need a good home with a size large ass. Though my ass is still size large my ego is larger and I must give up these pants.
oh and this:
"I might have lost the pregnancy weight while breastfeeding, if I didn't consume large quantities of chocolate to keep me up in the wee hours of the night without screaming."
and the chocolate fuels the screaming of the breastfed child and the screaming of the child fuels the eating of the chocolate and so on and so on.

Lisa b said...

5'7" lady I am breakin up with you.
My ass with an additional 5" is a MEDIUM at best.
Nice try Baroness!

I fixed that email thing on my profile. DUH. Can I still blame that on placenta brain?

ewe are here said...

Oh, I sooo understand how you are feeling. I had a perfect first pregnancy and never got very big. And then my tummy region kind of exploded with my second pregnancy. Sigh.

Reminds me, I need to find a gym this weekend. It's time.

Hang in there. You ARE pregnant right now, and you're cooking up another gorgeous wee baby, so cut yourself some major slack for the time being!

Mimi said...

Err, I wear size large underpants now, and my pants are a size 6. Do you normally have a freakishly tiny behind? Or am I extra bootilicious? Like, apparently, Kittenpie (who just strikes me as gorgeous?)

Anyhow. Sounds like you've got the crabbies, too! I blew out the thighs of all my pants too.

Isn't it insulting to grow out of MATERNITY clothes. Grr.

I'm sure you're good looking. And obviously legitimately hungry. Obviously. :-)

Christine said...

oh god! remember that feeling of being so HUGE. But i bet you ARE glowing and gorgeous and wonderful. Hang in there--no one is ever pregnant forever. really.

bren j. said...

Dear Baroness,

I most humbly accept your invitation for tea. I will however, be unable to bring along any donuts. The best I could have done was cookies but the Husband was greedy and decided he really had to bring all but two to the work potluck today. Of those two, there are exactly zero left. Still, maybe we can just dump cream in our tea. :)

PeanutButtersMum said...

Um, yeah. I'm 3.75 yrs post-pgcy and i'm still wearing a bigger size. It's quite amazing what pgcy can do to the body, really; I'm the same weight I was pre-p, but a completely (COMPLETELY) different shape. I prefer the old shape. 'Nuf said.

I'm sure you look great!

crazymumma said...

I loooove your goddess superhero masthead.

The farcking second pregnancy is humbling is it not?

Susanne said...

Maybe it's wise of me not plan to be pregnant for a second time. I started the first pregnancy weighing 20 pounds too much, and then just packed on. After giving birth I was 6 pounds above my before pregnancy weight and when my son was a year old I had managed to pack on even more. And I have given my old (very cheap) maternity clothes to a relative whom they fit though she weighs about 20 pounds more than I did at that time.

The only thing I liked about being pregnant was feeling the baby inside of me. I hated everything else.

But there are good news too: since my son turned three I have lost about 25 pounds again. So your husband is right. Don't worry about your weight now. (But you probably knew that, didn't you?)