Monday, October 27, 2008

I need to channel my inner Jerry Springer

So I'm walking down a fairly busy street near my house on my way to pick up the Boy from daycare. It's a bit chillier than I thought and I'm wondering if I dressed the Little Guy warmly enough. He's sitting in the stroller thumping his legs and jawing away to himself as per usual.

Halfway down the street, I come upon a bunch of teenagers hanging out. There's about ten of them in a clump, and they're blocking the entire sidewalk. They don't see me or the stroller (naturally), so I stop and politely say "Excuse me" audibly enough to be heard over the giggles and guffaws. They reluctantly make a path in the knot of bodies just large enough for me to pass. I walk through, and just as I'm a few steps beyond the group, a blond girl speaks up, her voice nonchalantly oozing disdain:

"Your baby is fat."

I look back, not sure I heard her correctly. And then she laughs. And not in an 'I just made a joke' way. I heard correctly. I shoot her a look so dark, I'm surprised she is still standing upright. I hold the look but she looks away, dismissing me. I want to do something but I'm in a state of shock. Who insults a baby? In front of the baby's mother?? I am livid. I want to go back and say:

"The Little Guy may be on the larger end of the spectrum, but he's a baby. He will lose the baby fat as he grows. Your lack of civility, however, is a much more difficult problem to address. You are lucky that I am in shock from your appalling lack of manners, or you might find yourself in a conflict you have no hope of resolving."

Or, as they would say on Jerry Springer:

"Yo skank! Yeah you, with the puffy jacket and the painted on jeans. The baby may be large, but you're a b*tch. He, at least, will lose the baby fat. You'd better duck before I throw my shoe at your head."

Don't mess with the Mama Bear. The claws will come out.

20 comments:

painted maypole said...

he he. the first one was great, but the second one ROCKED.

daysgoby said...

Pshaw. I have seen that baby, and a sweeter dumpling there has never been.

Her manners were appalling. You SHOULD have brained her.

Beck said...

Ah. My first instinct would have been to shrug and say "And you're a little bitch."
But I am classy. Especially when it comes to Baby Insultors.

Mary G said...

I love both of them - bu the second one would surely have got her attention.
What is going on with kids like that? It's sad!

SciFi Dad said...

I feel like I'm 60 years old, but, "Kids these days..."

womaninawindow said...

Do you know how authentic you sound as a Jerry Springer skank? I'm just wondering.

Why are people such spirit suckers? ARHHHHHH, so tired of the spirit suckers!

Mad said...

Oh please let me believe that you actually said either of the options. She would've backed away in shame and terror and learned to shut her filthy trap from henceforward.

Tracey said...

Man. Can you imagine ever having the gall to say something like that?? What was she feeling inside? A need to fit in? For someone to laugh at a "joke" she made?? How pathetically low must she hold her own self-worth to need to poke fun at a BABY???

Too bad you didn't throw your shoe at her, though...

motherbumper said...

JAW ON FLOOR. I would have totally gone the Jerry Springer route... in my head. Damn, I wouldn't mess with you Mama Bear, no way.

ewe are here said...

I'm with Beck... only I'd probably have said it because sometimes I lack class.

Grrrrr. Stupid, mean, bullying teenagers.

Mimi said...

Count me in with Beck and Ewe: I've got a mouth on me when provoked. And picking on baby!!!! THAT's provoking, yo!

crazymumma said...

Your baby is perfect. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Want me to trans am her?

Aunt Debbi/kurts mom said...

he will grow out of the baby fat, but she will never get over being social stupid.

kittenpie said...

WTF? Not only is your baby adorable, but who feels the need to insult a baby? I totally would have called her on that. One can only hope that one day she may grow out of being a bitch, but it's not too likely.

Mac and Cheese said...

I wouldn't go Jerry Springer on a pack of teenagers. They scare me. I used to have a friend like that - one who would insult strangers for the approval of his friends. He has way fewer friends to impress now.

Kyla said...

She insulted the baby? Your gorgeous perfect BABY?

I'd have said neither, but I'd have WANTED to say both.

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bren j. said...

I'm not sure you'd want to pass along John's advice to her....

I can't believe you held your tongue. I liked your first retort best. But what the heck? Who SAYS that!? Stupid teenagers.

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