Home Alone: The Mr. Earth Chronicles - Day 4.25

Alas, the taxi is on the way, and I'm off to the airport to join the Fam in PEI.

I will recommence the Home Alone, Mr. Earth Chronicles on Tuesday, when I return for a 2-day mass cleaning.

For clarity, "Man-tidy" means that most of the clothes have been picked up off the floor...

more on tuesday.. when surely I will feel a nap coming on.

Home Alone: The Mr. Earth Chronicles - Day 4.111

Chores Done: 2.7 (I was supposed to steam clean the carpets, but instead, I've called someone to come and clean them.. that's gotta count for something..)
Chores Outstanding: 961,532,781,660.95
Days actually spend at work doing work: 1

So Blogger-iffics,

I know you missed my musings yesterday, but I actually had to do some work at work! Really the nerve of it all! So, I apologize.

Nomo, the boys, and her parents are all doing well in PEI and are anxiously awaiting my arrival, to punish me for all the fun that I've been having.

Questions, we've had some questions in the comments... (oh, and thanks to all who have commented, and apologies to all who are reading this expecting the exquisite prose of Ms. Earth, and are left with me....)

1. What's the origin of motherbumper?
- Well this one is easy, obviously the blogger is a hit-man/woman/person for the mafia and specializes in "bumping-off" other members. (Note to self: be nice to motherbumper)

2. Am I an actuary?
- Yes! (I used to be very smart)

3. What is an actuary?
- Well according to the Canadian Institute of Actuaries (the CIA - yes, I'm a member of the CIA, so you'd better watch out...)

Actuaries are professional business people who are skilled in the application of mathematics to financial problems. Actuaries employ their specialized knowledge of the mathematics of finance, statistics and risk theory on problems faced by:
- insurance companies (both Life and Property/Casualty)
- pension plans
- government regulators
- social programs
- individuals
(but wait there's more)

Actuaries have practical business sense, the creativity to apply training and experience to new problems and provide innovative solutions, and the communication skills required to convince both colleagues and clients. They help people plan better for the future by controlling or reducing financial risks.

Wow, that's a mouthfull!

After reading that it's COMPLETELY OBVIOUS why I became an actuary.....

For the chicks, it drives them crazy with desire.

Moving on......

As I'm taking over my wife's blog, I thought that it would be fun for all her readers to get to know the real truth about her.. so, without pause it's time for...

Fun Facts about Nomo that she probably doesn't want me to tell everyone

Fact #1. She loves to run (and thinks she's faster than me!)
- She is the little runner girl (pa-rum-pa-tum-tum)

Fact #2. She loves all the blogger friends she's made.
- She really does, and thank you all for being such a welcome part to her/our lives.

Fact #3. She has an unhealthy obsession with sweets.
- Apparantly, "Dinner is not dinner without dessert! It would be similar to a person without feet"

Fact #4. She's a really talented actor.
- Oh my goodness, she's good! (Oh, and go see her show...)

Fact #5. She "gloms" on to the wrong part of the story.
- It's very difficuly to tell Ms. Earth a story, as she will "glom" on to a rather insignificant part of the story... you're going to need an example..

Mr. (start of a story) "So, I'm coming back from the 'Bucks and there's this girl on my elevator, and she's checking herself out in the mirror, so I say.."
Ms (interrupting): "You went to starbucks?"
Mr.: "Yeah, so I say to her"
Ms. "I thought that you always went to Timmies in the morning at work?"
Mr. "Yeah, I do but the coffee train left without me"
Ms. "Coffee train?"
Mr. "You know, when I round everyone up to get coffee, I tell them that the coffee train is leaving and we all go..
Ms. "That's kind of lame. But, if you're the conductor of the train, why did it leave without you?"
Mr. "The train waits for no man.. So.. I say to this girl.."
Ms. "Are you the conductor of the coffee train?"

And on it goes.... BTW, the elevator story was a good one. And she'll never know it.. sigh...

more later... I feel a nap coming on...

Home Alone: The Mr. earth Chronicles - Day 2.35

Chores Done: 2.6 (I've moved garbage closer to the door, in order to be put out this evening)
Chores Outstanding: 961,532,781,661.05
Days actually spent at work: 1

Ok, so I'm at work today.

Now, I'm sure that I've the first blogger (to be clear I'm more of a pinch-blogger, or blogger-sub) in history who has ever blogged at work... but, safe to say - I feel a little dirty.

I believe that we have touchdown in PEI. The fam has made it, and, more importantly, everyone is still alive!

Back to me! Now, as mentioned earlier, (well I don't know if I actually mentioned it, but I was thinking it) it's not easy being the spouse of the blogger. Certain demands are placed on us.. often I get the following questions / statements:

- What should I post about? (and then after I suggest something) No, something actually good!
- Hold on, I gotta read this one more post.
- Did you like my post?
- Why don't you comment on my post?
- I was going to (make dinner/pay bills/shower/play with children/build you a shrine) but I had to read this post.

Often, I suggest brilliant ideas for a post, so without further pause, here are my top 5 suggested (and subsequently rejected) post ideas.

5. Our Cat.
Ms. Earth thinks our cat is the devil. To be clear, she thinks that our cat is not just any devil but the devil. I think she's kinda sweet. Sound like an interesting post? Apparently not.

4. Reviews of Cast Recordings.
After suggesting this, Ms. Earth piped up with "No straight man should like show tunes as much as you do".

3. Being married to an actuary.
Ms. Earth - "I'm already bored"

2. What a fantastic lover I am.
Ms Earth - "Who?"

1. Our new toilet!
Ok, some background needed here...

If we're going to be talking about me (and that seems to be the point) then you need a little back ground information

- I have a university degree in Math and Theatre
- I take singing lessons (and have for the past 8 years or so)
- I have a grown-up job
- I AM NOT HANDY AT ALL. The fact that I have 2 hands is the closest I can claim to being handy. So... when our toilet died last week (crack in the porcelain) we had the following conversation

Ms. - "Our toilet has died"
Me - "Crap!" (pun intended - did I mention that I think I'm funny)
Ms. - "We need to buy a toilet and call a plumber"
Me - "No, I think I can do it"
Ms. - "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No really, do you know any plumbers?"

So, I spend the next 8 hours watching as many youtube clips on how to replace a toilet and took my ego-bruised self to the Home Depot. There I bought a toilet and somehow managed to get it home (holy moly are they heavy).

Now the guy at the home depot said it should take about 45 mins to an hour. Well.... after 2 hours I had finished... and I have to say... (to quote DJ Lance Rock) it's AWESOME! Honestly, it's spectacular! Everything about it is better than the old one... it looks better, feels better, it's got 2 buttons (one for little pees, and one for poos) - and that's cool! It's a treat to use!

Now, honestly, wouldn't that have made for a fantastic post?

More later... I feel like a nap is coming on...

Home Alone: The Mr. Earth Chronicles - Day 1.5

Chores Done: 2.1 (ran the diswasher, and put away dishes, but I think I'm creating mess, and it looks less tidy.. so I'm deducting some points)
Chores Outstanding: 961,532,781,661.9
Movies Seen: 1 (Tropic Thunder!)

Hello Blogger-iffics!

Now, I know that I was supposed to do chores.. .but a movie? In the afternoon? All by my lonesome? So I could look like some creepy loser guy? I mean really who could resist that? So, I went and saw Tropic Thunder... really enjoyed it. Don't know if I enjoyed it so much because I wasn't at work or if it was really good but nonetheless I enjoyed it!

So.... comments, I have comments regarding my other post. Basically I can surmise that I'm a knob. Mr. Earth = Mr. NoBrainEarth.

Really, can I be any more simple? Looking at the answers it's obvious..

Let's review shall we..

beck is short for becky...
'pie = kittenpie
mad hat = angry milliner

Surely, if left alone, I should have been able to figure that out on my own? Yes? Oh well, let's see if I can figure out the others...

Metro mama - This one is easy - obviously someone who is obsessed with the letter M and being retro - hence Metro. At first I thought that it was pronounced Meeee-Tro, as in "you throw me the ball and Me-Tro the ball back to you"... but I quickly wised up.

Painted Maypole - Obviously someone obsessed with Shakespeare. (Yes, I get the Midsummer's reference)... I take this to mean that the blogger is not of this world, but is a fairy.

Kyla - I surmise that you must be obsessed with Kylie Minogue - "Everyone's doing a brand new dance now!"

Just got off the phone with Ms. Earth.. the call went something like this ...

Ms. Earth: "Where were you?"
Mr. Earth: "At the movies!!!"
Ms. Earth: "Without me?"
Mr. Earth: "Oh crap, you mean you weren't there?"
(Aside: Looking back this is where things may have started to go wrong... probably best not to make jokes after seeing a movie, when wife is stuck in car for 18 hours. Note to self: remember this )
Ms. Earth: "al;kjzc;xcl fja;od!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Mr. Earth: "oh, and I got the glossettes and they tasted like wax peanuts ... it kinda sucked"
Ms.: "!!*&!(*@^$)(*@^#)!("
Mr.: "How's it going with you?"

More later... I feel like a nap is coming on...

Home Alone: The Mr. Earth Chronicles - Day 1

Chores Done: 1.25 (Mowed the lawn, did a little bit of tidying... it's 'man-tidy' now)
Chores Outstanding: 961,532,781,664
Playstation 3's set up: 1!!!

Hello all bloggerites? blogger-folks? blog-a-rama-ding-dongs? screw it, I'm going with Blogger-iffics!

As requested by my wife, you get my random musings for a few days...

So... the fam is on the way to PEI and last night was my first night of freedom... so... what do you think I did? Let's have a quiz... did I:

a) Booze, broads, bikes and barbituates!
b) Update my shrine to my wife and children
c) Try to think of funny post ideas
d) Fall asleep in front of the TV

The answer is..... D. Yes, it's true, I'm a loser, I have a completely free evening, and I fall asleep in front of the TV - then wake up at 5am.. and couldn't get back to sleep. So, I just layed there and thought about all the chores I have yet to do.


Now, as I'm new to this whole blog thing.. I have many questions... help me out here people:

- Why are Frog and Toad still friends? When were they not friends? And what does that even mean? And what does that have to do with the pop-singer Beck? He's got 2 turn-tables and a microphone... not random amphibians!

- What's really under the Mad Hat? And who's exactly angry here? The Hat? Do we have one seriously pissed off garment here? Or is it 'mad'? Like "bad" is actually good? Did that make any sense?

- Life of 'Pie? Wasn't this a book? What's the significance of the apostraphe? What's it in place of? Am I just slow...? I'm probably slow...


I've got lots more questions, but I feel a nap coming on..... better not risk it... more later, including:

5 Posts my wife should have written!!!!
Mr. Earth.

We're Off Like a Dirty Shirt

This morning we leave for PEI. Or, P "D" I, as the Boy insists on calling it. I have packed THE WORLD. Seriously. If you need it, I've probably packed it. With two kids who don't like the car, I'm taking no chances. Say a prayer for me, will ya?



I doubt we'll have internet access where we're going, so posting and visiting is going to sketchy at best. I've just about convinced Mr Earth to be a guest poster while I'm gone, but he's scared that you won't show him the love. So, if you see some new posts between now and September 4th, please give stop by and say hello. He's much funnier than me, and a hell of a lot cuter.


In the meantime, my regular Thursday posts will be up at Playdate. On August 28th, I will be sharing my top ten kid-friendly TV shows and movies that don't make me want to jab a spork into my thigh, and September 4th it's going to be a celebrity Sesame Street videopalooza. Good times.



See you in September!

Did you know that Jesus can read feet?

Jesus: Did I ever tell you that I used to read feet?

Jeffrey: What?

Jesus: Some people read palms, tea leaves? I read feet. (Jeffrey shakes his head) No, look! (Jesus grabs Jeffrey's shoe.) Aha, it says rejoice!

(Everybody crowds around Jeffrey to look at his shoe.)

Jeffrey: It says "Keds".

Wanna know why I'm quoting Jesus? C'mon over and read.

The Gargoyle Got My Tongue

The thing is, when you have a kid, your freedom is severely truncated. When you have two kids, you realize just how much freedom you had when you only had one. There simply isn't enough time in the day. Something's gotta give.

I have very little free time without a baby in my lap or a preschooler shouting (happily) in my ear, and I've found that when I do have free time, I have to make a choice. Do I want to read blogs? Or write in my own? Do I want to clean the house (ha, ha)? Do I want to have a nap? Do I want to write that post for Playdate? It's due Thursday. Oh, and I'm going away for two weeks, and I really should figure out what I need to pack.

So, I apologize for not visiting your blogs lately, and I haven't had much time to write anything of interest (with the exception, perhaps, of my posts at Playdate). You may have been under the impression that I'd already gone on my vacation, but we don't leave until Sunday. What I have been doing with my spare time is reading The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson. You'll remember that everyone attending the BFF was given a free copy thanks to Random House?

Well, I had to finish reading Twilight, but I knew that it was next on my list. A book like that generally pushes through to the top of the pile because it hits all my "must-read" buttons. Historical Romance? Check. Hero overcoming seemingly insurmountable odds? Check. Artist exemplifying their process? Check. Medieval religion? Check. Cool cover art? Check - I absolutely judge a book by it's cover. Great title? Check. I mean, c'mon, "gargoyle" is just a fun word. Not one that you get to use much in daily conversations, either. (Honey, could you take the gargoyle to the curb for me? Who left their dirty socks on the gargoyle? Does anyone know how to take a stain out of a gargoyle?)

Apparently, it's being met with mixed reviews. Some people have suggested that the writing is clumsy, and the author is trying to do too much. Maybe. Fact is, I kind of like that about it. It's the author's debut and he's trying to find out what he's all about. It's not going to be perfect, and nor should it have to be. There were a couple awkward parts, like the "trippy" through the Inferno that I didn't think quite hit the mark. But, there were some brilliant bits too, like the romantic fables from around the world.

Me, I like reading stuff from authors who haven't "made it" yet. It's refreshing. Kind of like watching Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise - you didn't know who that hot guy was, but you could put money on the fact that he had a future in showbiz. Anyways, I'm not a literary critic, and I don't pretend to be one. I have read a lot of books though, and I know what I like and what I don't like.

I used all my non-existent free time to read this book. Instead of checking emails. Instead of blogging. Instead of napping for God's sake. Every free moment that I had, I used to read this book in (for me, right now) record time. When I wasn't reading the book, I often thought about it. When I wasn't reading the book, I was trying to find time when I could read it. I'm not saying it was the best written book I ever read. It wasn't. I'm not saying everyone would like it. They might not. But I had a really, really hard time putting it down. My absence in the blogosphere (and my dirty house) will attest to that.

I think I MAY watch too much TV..

I'm over at Playdate today, talking about all the HGTV and TLC shows I've watched while breastfeeding - specifically Jon and Kate Plus 8. Upon reflection, I watch waaaaaaay too much TV. That was so not the point of the post. Go on over and tell me what you think about Jon and Kate though. Inquiring minds want to know.

Alternate title for this post: Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Designers.

Dora and Diego Learn A Lesson About the Evils of Drinking

For Wordless Wednesday

The Drama Behind the Post

So, yes, it's Thursday and I'm over at Playdate talking about the new Batman movie, The Dark Knight.

What the post doesn't talk about is how hard it is to actually get out to see a movie once you have kids. First, you have to find someone who is willing to look after a 3-year-old AND a baby. Luckily, we have three sets of grandparents who are very good about us coming to visit and leaving the kids there for a couple of hours.

Second, with breastfeeding and naps, the timing has to be perfect. I knew we were in trouble when the Little Guy woke up a full hour and half before his usual crack of dawn waking time. And would not go back to sleep. After his morning nap, we jumped in the car and drove to the in-laws. I fed him and we jumped back in the car, minus kids, to make the noon show.

The movie was awesome! But when we got back, we found out that the Little Guy had been screaming or fussy for the past two hours, as we were greeted with the following salutation:

"Your second son is a hellion."

My first reaction was guilt. I don't like to hear that the Little Guy was not happy, and I felt bad for wanting to take time for myself. (Eventhough everyone needs a break sometimes!) I also felt bad that my mother-in-law had to put up with the screaming. I've been there and it's no fun.

My second reaction was anger. I take great exception to someone calling the Little Guy a hellion (other than myself or Mr Earth), even if they meant it as a "joke". And even I don't use the word hellion, and I tend to be over-dramatic (ahem). I usually use the word(s), Crankee-Doodle-Dandee, or Crankasaurus. Or NOT HAPPY. In capital letters.

And, just to be super duper nit-picky and grammatical, I would really prefer that she said "He acted like a hellion." He is most decidedly NOT a hellion. He is quite a happy baby most of the time. He simply wants what he wants and WOE BETIDE the person who does not give it to him right away. But as he is still a baby, he cannot tell you what he wants.

Anyways, we were supposed to stay for dinner, but my mother-in-law didn't have time to cook because she had to hold the Little Guy for the whole two hours. I suggested that we order something - on us (oh the guilt) - but I could tell that she was tired and would rather that we take our kids and go.

No skin off my nose. The rest of the day worked out just fine. We got home in time to calm the kids down with dinner and quiet play before bedtime. But I guess you could say we were sent home without our supper.

Go over and read the post at Playdate if you want to know what I thought about the movie.

525,600 Minutes

Okay, it's probably more like 960 minutes. Or 1080 minutes, according to my mom. All I know is that it seems like an eternity, and it's scaring the hell out of me.

A road-trip to Prince Edward Island.

My parents have rented a cottage near the beach for the last week of August, and we're going along for a vacation, and to split the cost. My parents, myself and the boys will be driving out, and Mr Earth will fly out for the long weekend. I'm VERY much looking forward to staying in PEI for a whole week. Very exciting! What I am NOT looking forward to is the 16 to 18 hour drive that it will take to get there.

With a three-year old.

And a baby who currently HATES all car trips, even if they only last for five minutes.

We're going to be taking it slowly - making the trip over 3 days - and taking lots of breaks. We're also going to be playing musical seats, so that I'm not the only person who has to entertain the crowd in the back seat. But still. Sixteen, possibly eighteen, hours. I've already entered retail therapy, and the trip hasn't even started.

Mr Earth has kindly bought two books at my request: When Dinosaurs Came with Everything and Wild About Books. I'm looking for a copy of If I Built a Car, but it is as elusive as the Bumble. Apparently, these books are great for reading aloud, and cover the topics that the Boy loves best: cars, dinosaurs and animals.

This afternoon, I went to The Store Which Shall Not Be Named to look for some cheap, packable toys. I spent $50, and what I came back with will probably only keep them occupied for about 5 minutes.

In short, I'm screwed.

Here's what I got:

1. A BPA-free teething ring: We have about a gazillion teething paraphernalia, and I can't stop buying them. It's a problem. This one is colourful and has cute little bugs on them. In my defense, the Little Guy is a teething fiend these days, and GOD FORBID that you offer him a teething option that he doesn't want to play with. He will give you the Evil Eye. And then scream.
2. Stacking Cups: Yeah, this was stupid. Technically, we already have stacking cups, but one of the cups is missing. Do you know how hard it is to stack cups when a cup is missing?? Plenty hard. Plus, it annoys the hell out of me. My OCD rears it's ugly head. I can't sleep. It's bad, folks. These cups also link to form a caterpillar, and can double as bath/sand toys.
3. Two Small Disney Cars: The Boy already has four of these, and really likes them. This one has a firetruck in the set, and that should win me some brownie points. Plus, the cars are really small, so not a bother to bring along. Heck, I'll even throw in the cars he already has. I'm that nice.
4. Eight Chunky Sesame Street characters: I'd never seen these before, and they were 2 for $5! I was hoping that these would be the magical crossover toy - The Boy wants whatever the Little Guy has and vice versa. They should work for creative play with the Boy, and are large enough (and wooden, not plastic!) for the Little Guy to mouth. (Yes, technically, I could have just gotten two, but then it would bother me that I don't have all the characters. I have a soft spot for all things Sesame Street. Especially the Grouch. He's my homeboy.)
5. A Disney Cars book: It was cheap, and the Boy will love it. I, decidely, will not.
6. A rubber-ducky in a fireman's suit: Okay, I had no earthly reason to buy this. I saw someone in line with it last time I was at the store and just really wanted it. Seems I have a rubber-ducky problem too. And hey - it is a bath toy! And it tells you if the water is too hot! It's useful, dammit!
7. A sunhat for the Little Guy: Not a toy at all. BUT, it has cute little bees on it - how could I resist? I'm having a hard time finding a hat that has good sun protection (this has a wide brim), and doesn't fall in his eyes (seems to fit). Did I mention it's cute?
8. Phone and Keys: These have buttons on them that make sounds and play music. It will drive me nuts, I'm sure, but it was $5 dollars for the set, and it will stop the Little Guy from stealing the real things and spitting up on them. The Boy, hopefully, will want to play with them too.

Phew! Apparently, when I go shopping, I should leave my ovaries at home.

If anyone has suggestions as to how to keep a 3 year-old and a 9 month-old occupied from Toronto to PEI, and back again, please let me know. Or I may just not come back.

Report Card #4

I got handed an envelope at daycare as I was dropping off the Boy the other day. Being the good parent that I am, I went home, put it on the dining table and promptly forgot about it. This is what having a second child does to your brain. I neglected to remember that July brings the bi-annual "child development review" from our daycare. Let's have a look-see...

Language Development

The Boy often calls attention to himself, objects, or events in the environment: "Look, I wear number T-shirt." He likes to talk about objects and ongoing events. He enjoys participating in conversations and discussions.

I laughed and laughed when I opened it up and read the line "The Boy often calls attention to himself." He favourite phrase is actually "Look at me! Look at ME-E!" I don't know where he gets that from - xcoughx MrEarth xcoughx. The apple doesn't have very far to fall, I'm just sayin'.

Cognitive Development

The Boy likes to listen to age-appropriate stories. He makes relevant comments during stories. He enjoys drawing pictures and attempting to reproduce basic shapes. He is able to name the primary colours and he can count to 10.

[Pic. "Robot in a Box" by The Boy 8/1/08]

Okay, now this just begs the question - are they reading him age IN-appropriate stories? I didn't really think it was that kind of daycare.
And yes, he is able to count to ten, but after ten, it all goes to pot. Twelve-eleven-thirteen-fourteen-fiveteen. Fiveteen is just too funny to correct. In fact, he may just start a trend. It makes sense! You can't fault him on that.

Motor Development

The Boy is able to go up and down stairs unassisted. He enjoys jumping in place and pedaling a bicycle. He enjoys building with blocks and playing with playdough. He shows improved control of crayons or markers. He likes to make pictures.

Thank god for the stairs thing! I can't even begin to count the freakouts I've had about that. He used to start walking down the stairs, and would just forget to pay attention. I had vertigo on his behalf. It's so much better now. But who am I kidding? I still watch him like a hawk. I just can't let it go.
Yeah...about the bicycling thing. Really? When he "rides" his bike around the neighbourhood, I'm doing all the work. I'm the Boy's bitch. Or donkey. (Which is more flattering?)

Food Consumption / Sleeping Behaviours

The Boy has a good appetite. He usually eats 1-2 servings of lunch. He can feed himself independently. He is able to fall asleep by himself after settling down on the bed. He normally sleeps about one hour and a half.

The Boy has NO PROBLEM feeding himself independently. Unless the food is healthy. I'm willing to bet that those 1-2 servings consist mostly of bread and cheese. Possibly ice cream.

Social Interaction (peers / adults)

The Boy is pleasant and cooperative. He has a sense of humour we all enjoy. He likes talking and singing among his friends. He takes pride in his work well done. He often proudly shows the pictures he made to the teachers. He cooperates well and he is a good helper and model at clean-up time.

The Boy thinks he is VERY funny. I don't know if he is or not, but he amuses me to no end. He's developped this way of laughing at his own jokes by sticking his tongue in his teeth and sort of hissing through them. No idea where he got that, but it's kind of endearing. I tried to introduce the concept of Knock-Knock jokes, but he didn't quite get the reciprocal nature of it. Plus, he's the only person allowed to be knock-knocking at the door. If you say someone or something else is there, he just looks at you like you've grown a second head.

Inappropriate Behaviours to Monitor (if app.)

N/A

Hm. He's 3.5. I beg to differ. Surely he shares the whining and tantrums with others, and doesn't just hoard them up for home??

Additional Comments

The Boy has good performance at Rob's music class. He also enjoys working with Doris during art activities. He is happy and well adjusted. He has a good relationship with his baby brother, parents and grandparents. It is a pleasure to have him in the preschool room.

Obviously we have a good relationship - we dress him in trucker hats and wifebeater tanks. We're Parents of the Year. Now, if only we could convince him to fetch our beer, we'd be all set.